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The Joke shop
#1
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of
torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, 'Honey, you were right!' 'All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to
you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife........

Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.'
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#2
Big Grin

just a  silly one that isnt really funny

Why does P Diddy Carry an umbrella around all the time ? .... FO DRIZZLE (i doubt anyone over the age of 20 will understand this one Tongue)
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#3
um
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#4
You're getting careless Steve -  Wink

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic
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#5
A Woman was out playing golf one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love
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#6
"pittgoat" Wrote:You're getting careless Steve -  Wink

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic

:o mike... you stole me joke but replaced it with snoop dog  >Sad, P diddy makes more sense as he is always carrying an umbrella..

why did the kid cross the road?

as he was stapled to the chicken ...

ill get my coat  :B
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#7
"TooYoungToKnow" Wrote::o mike... you stole me joke but replaced it with snoop dog  >Sad, P diddy makes more sense as he is always carrying an umbrella..

why did the kid cross the road?

as he was stapled to the chicken ...

ill get my coat  :B

i didn't steal it, snoop says 'fo shizzle' all the time, it's def a snoop joke.
Keep it foolish...
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#8
"alkali" Wrote:i didn't steal it, snoop says 'fo shizzle' all the time, it's def a snoop joke.
Big Grin it was a joke at my joke stealing abilitys Wink not an accusation Big Grin

yeh but diddy is always seen with an umbrella, it only makes sense
resim

ive never seen snoop with a umbrella  Big Grin although the orange advert with him in did make me chuckle

[media=500]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNUrkG-H6z0[/media]
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#9
When Mozart passed away, he  was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.

scroll down...



















It's just Mozart decomposing."
Keep it foolish...
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#10
Hope there are no scousers about.



A new Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it, 'Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.


An Australian , an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.


'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The
Salary package is 200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'


''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.
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